i am poisoned with his love.

he lies beneath the surface of my skin, a terrible ache, a forbidden desire, and unquenchable thirst. i feel sick with how i feel for him. i love him so goddamned much. i hate him so goddamned much.

though the goods are incredible, the bads are unbearable, and we are just so destructive when we are together.

i

hate

this

steps to revitalize yourself:

1. take a shower. scrub your skin pink, massage your head with shampoo, wash away the make-up and nail polish, watch the dirt circle down the drain.

2. clean your room. blasting music or revering in silence is up to your preference.

3. exercise. cardio, sit-ups, and weights. some days you need to wear yourself out, some days you need a light work-out to infuse you with energy.

4. get some vitamin D and fresh air.

5. get those things that are weighing on your mind done. do those errands that you’re dreading. get them out of the way and out of your life, at least for the day.

6. have a meaningful moment with someone you care about. whether it’s a heart to heart with your best friend, or just laying on a rooftop next to your significant other holding hands, a moment like these is just what we all need to carry on.

do you ever get tired of acting your part? we all play a role. our public persona is shaped by how we want to be viewed by others, how we end up talking, smiling, reacting and dressing, and how others actually view us. i don’t know exactly how my peers see me, but i do know that they expect me to be a certain way fairly consistently, and when im not.. it throws them off.

see, i’m tired.

whether this exhaustion lies in the routine day to day things i have to do, or the friendships i try to maintain, or the niceness i try to attempt, or the minimum wage job i perform in order to support myself, or the constant search to find something, anything, that will make my day seem worthwhile…. i don’t know. but its there. and it’s not a physical manifestation (though lethargy can seep through at times).

i’m tired of pretending to care when i don’t. i’m tired of ignoring things that bother me. i’m tired of trying, when nothing amounts from it. i’m tired of being the better person. i’m tired of yearning. i’m tired of hoping. i’m tired of wanting things i cant have. i’m tired of constantly resenting everyone around me for no reason, while at the same time liking them all the same. i’m tired of caring about people who don’t care for me. i’m tired of having my guard up all the time. i’m tired of censoring my thoughts. i’m tired of battling myself. i’m tired of myself. and all the things i’m tired of, i can’t seem to stop doing. it comes so naturally.

i can’t stop pretending to care, because if i did that would crumble the foundation of everyone’s expectation of me. i am the nice, empathetic yet honest-ish girl that can somehow get even the most secretive people to talk about themselves. i can’t stop ignoring things that bother me, because then i would be angry all the time and i just don’t have the energy for that. i can’t stop trying because i have goals in life. i can’t stop being the better person, because i know what its like to make mistakes and how hard it is when the person you’ve betrayed won’t forgive you, and it’s not fun. i have empathy for mistakes. i can’t stop yearning, hoping and wanting things i can’t have because those are natural reactions to life that to cease you would have to be in a cryogenic chamber, or be dead. i can’t stop caring about people who don’t care for me, because for one, don’t we all like the chase? and for two, maybe i’m just reacting negatively when in fact, these people do care for me. i can’t let my guard down, because i have trained myself so well to avoid doing just that. the world has a great many beautiful and terrible things and we must protect ourselves somehow. i can’t stop censoring myself, because i wouldn’t know how to speak my thoughts anyway. i can’t stop battling myself or else i would end up obese, or in jail, or seriously injured or something. and none of those are productive.

i feel like atlas, with the world bearing down on my shoulders.

it’s a heavy burden.

i feel stupid for saying any of these things, because there are so many people who have it thousands times worse than me. and if i could offer any of them some of the strength or love or whatever it is that i have that could make their lives better, i would. a teacher once told me that having the goal to make every person you interact with smile is the best thing you can do in life. i admire him greatly.

and the funny thing is, for how alone i feel all the time, for all the void i feel, i know there are people out there feeling just the same.

and yet the world keeps spinning…

The U.S. Government’s theory: Mars colonization is possible.

My conclusion: Mars colonization is not possible. At least not yet.

Information about a leaked NASA plan of a 100-year startship program has come about, and I am thoroughly intrigued. Mars is a 6 month flight away, and in a nice little media-induced nutshell, Mars possesses surface gravity, an atmosphere, abundant water, carbon dioxide and essential minerals. The proposed mission is to start by sending two 2-person teams in separate ships, and more colonists and supply ships would follow. Right.

First of all, need anyone stress that a main problem is that there is little to NO oxygen on this planet? The atmosphere consists mostly of carbon dioxide, with a spritz of nitrogen and argon thrown in there, while Earth’s atmosphere is 78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen. Well, if we can create spaceships with a liveable amount of oxygen preserved within its hulls, surely we can create some sort of bubble dome for people to live inside on Mars. Sounds super fun to me.

Secondly, the surface temperature of Mars ranges from -87 degrees Celsius in the winter, to -5 degrees Celsius in the summer. People cannot exist in -18 degrees climates or lower, so I’m not sure how surviving a one-way trip past Fall would work. New summer vacation location, for sure. A few other tidbits one might want to know before skyrocketing their way over, is that Mars’ surface gravity is about 38% of Earth’s, and Mars only receives about 43% of sunlight than Earth does. All of these factors combined make it a little shaky for conceivable colonization of a planet that can’t grow plants of a recognizable kind. Though I’m sure the plants would thrive in the CO2 saturated atmosphere.

Supposedly seasons in the southern hemisphere are more extreme than the seasons of the northern hemisphere, so we know where NOT to park the spaceship. Speaking of seasons, how does one prepare for Martian natural disasters? Dust storms, methane plumes, and solar winds are all prevalent occurrences on this planet. Yes there are polar ice caps on Mars, but most of the time the planet cannot harbor liquid water, so that may be a problem for individuals who require H20 to live for longer than 3 days or so.

Okay. [/End rant] for now… but this will be revisited and edited. Love ya Mars, even if it is not possible to live on you yet.

fast food restaurant equals:

-ice cream in my hair (on my shirt and on my pants and on my face, arms, hands, shoes)

-dirty, greasy, zitty face

-slick bottoms of shoes

-possible cuts and/or lacerations from ice cream machinery, ice-refilling, dishwashing, utensil stocking and more

-simultaneous craving and abhorence for fast food

-breaking down once to eat some

-and then going back to your resolution of not eating any

-a variety of strange customers (including bitchy, picky obese ones. I dont care if you’re fat, but if you’re fat and complaining about there not being enough candy in your blizzard… GTFO. also includes stoners, beachy hippies, homeless people, illiterate people, the regulars, lots of middle-schoolers, and more).

-a variety of coworkers: ex drug addicts, only spanish speaking, molesters, blonde bimbos, hyperactive over-stockers, reliable but creepy, and the customer avoiders.

it’s past midnight, and all is silent but the steady ticking of the backwards pocketwatch, hanging from a thumbtack.

they say the full moon creates chaos for one night each month. that all who look upon it is inflicted with madness, whether you are of wolf or not. tonight is the night after the full moon. what happens then, i wonder. what are the repercussions of that moonlit night? can madness create something beautiful? or does chaos only destroy… i used to feel stressed out when i’d come home and my room was dirty. i guess i didn’t like wading through clothes and shoes and books back then. i havent cleaned, actually fully cleaned my room in months. it’s not as horrible as it could be and has been, but it isn’t clean per se. but i deal with it, and the mess no longer bothers me as it once did.

i’ve learned to deal with my roiling tumbles of thoughts and desires.. as much as a sticky, entrapping mess as it is. life can’t always be clean.